This Day Was The Worst...And I'm Grateful It Was.

This morning began like a how-to for the perfect Christian mom day: extended devotions, Bible study, worship music in the background. Cue the mental sunbeams from heaven and Hallelujah chorus as I came down the stairs with a smile. I was ready to love my kids well and score "godly" in all the categories.

And then.

This day straight up stunk. It was the worst. I mean, nothing unusual: complaining kids, a canceled visit, first day back to homeschooling, a fussy baby, the marathon of tantrums. The real problem? Me, through it all, yelling and slamming and rolling my eyes, annoyed and anxious and angry. This day was the worst because I was the worst.

This morning I read the Sermon on the Mount. I meditated on being poor in spirit. I prayed that I would glory in my weakness. I told God that if meant me being blessed, if it meant the kingdom of heaven would be mine, if it meant me seeing and knowing and loving Jesus more, then I wanted to be humbled. I wanted to feel poor and weak. 

You guys, God answers prayer.

Some days I feel like I have my act together--especially over Christmas break, with all of its sitting around in pajamas and such--and some days I remember I don't. On those days--today--the kingdom of heaven is mine. On those days, I am truly blessed.

Today God's love and forgiveness and acceptance were front and center in my heart. Not because I had a good day, but because I didn't. I remembered today that those things--thank the Lord--depend on Him and not on me. I can't earn them and I can't lose them, and I am oh-so-grateful for that on a day like this.

The reality of Jesus' love for me is just as real when I'm yelling at my kids as when I'm deep in prayer. The truth of me belonging to God is just as true when I'm reading the Bible or slamming a book in rage. But, right now, in contrast with my messy day, the sweetness of those truths is so much sweeter.

I'm looking back on this day with regret. And I'm looking back on this day with worship.