On homecoming day, my Grandma Leah carried me into Retha and Mike’s home. When she handed me to Mike, his shaky hands held me like a fine china tea cup. As soon as he handed me to Retha, I arched my back and cried bloody murder. I was communicating my cry print--”My mama is gone. I can’t live without her.” And, Retha, entertained a strange idea: “I am not enough to meet the needs of my child.” There was an unnamed strain in my relationship with Retha. She couldn’t hear my “cry print,” and I could only see the shadow of Elizabeth, my First Mother.

Adoption agencies don’t proactively prepare prospective parents by speaking truth about possible strain. The subject of mother/child strain is like a hot potato in the world of adoption--in literature, in speeches, in educational materials. My Dad and Mom weren’t told about possible strain from Grandma Leah because they lived in the midst of romanticism.

Sadly, preparation for parenting an adopted child hasn’t changed much. No matter who the person or organization that facilitates the adoption, no one tells Moms the truth...and they feel betrayed, big time. No wonder moms feel betrayed by the facilitator who chose a code of silence about how the mother/child relationship may be strained...and that it’s normal.

According to Thesarus.com, synonyms for strain are:

Ache
Anxiety
Bruise
Burden
Injury
Pressure
Stress
Tension
Tautness
Struggle

If a Mom isn’t prepared for this reality, she wonders if something is wrong with her and/or her parenting methods. Perhaps, she’s wondering if she has what it takes to parent a child from trauma? How she has longed to be a haven of love for her child. But oftentimes, because the child is indescribably wounded, not only her love is rejected, but also herself as a person. Thus, moms are indescribably wounded also.

Defining An Unintentional Adversarial Relationship

Retha and I had the classic unintentional relationship, and that relationship became adversarial over the years. The four ingredients of the unintentional relationship are:

Unexpected
Unforeseen
Unintended
Unconscious

Research shows four aspects of the unintentional relationship, which I applied to the relationship between Retha and me. It may be interesting for you to do the same, if time allows.

If I apply these to myself and Retha, I’d say this:

Unexpected: I didn’t expect Retha to be my mom.
Unforeseen: I didn’t see how someone I viewed as my enemy could be my mother.
Unintended: I didn’t want to be hateful.
Unconscious: I didn’t know about the buried anger and grief surrounding my First Mother or the reality of connection I actually began to feel with Retha.

For Retha:

Unexpected: I didn’t know that when I looked at Sherrie’s face that I’d think of the baby we lost to infertility. On homecoming day, there was a mixture of sadness for the lost child and panic that I wouldn’t be enough for Sherrie.
Unforeseen: No one told me about the painful path ahead or that my child would hate me.
Unintended: I never intended to be fearful. Sherrie’s behavior scared the heck out of me. I’ve never heard such anger.
Unconscious: I’m not enough to be the kind of mom Sherrie needs. I’m inferior.

What Adopted Kids Want Amidst the Strain

1. Help Create Self-Awareness In Your Child’s Brain

There was great strain between Retha and me for decades, but we never talked about it. How I wish she would have helped me understand why I scratched love messages in their fine furniture. How I wish she would have shed light on why I stole clothes from a neighbor’s closet. “Sweetheart, I wonder if you scratched “I love you, mommy” on my dresser because you maybe wanted me to know how much you love and miss your First Mother?” Or, “Maybe you stole clothes from so-and-so’s closet because deep down you believe something was stolen from you? Perhaps you were thinking of your First Mother?”

Yes, children of trauma have reduced capacity for being self-aware, but can’t we just be given an opportunity? Is there not somewhat of a chance that we can get unstuck from fight/flight and chronic shut down? You bet there is. Moms, don’t fall into the silent mode that once was dealt to you by misled professionals. Speak! Your child needs to hear your empathic voice. That is your incredible gift.

2. Recognize the First Mother’s Shadow in Over-Reactions

This openness between parents and kids requires deep parental understanding of what is really going on in the child’s mind and heart. What are the dynamics that are leading back to that original loss of the First Mother? One mom tells about how she successfully handled her 17-year-old daughter’s anger. When the daughter ran from her and slammed the door in her face, she sent up a quick prayer and God gave her a swift answer. When she calmly knocked on the door, she asked if she could ask her something. “Is that something you want to yell at your First Mother and can’t, because she’s not here?” Her daughter then collapsed in her arms in tears and they got to cry together.

3. Listen to the Wisdom of Healthy Adult Adoptees

Another means of gaining accurate knowledge is from hearing the honest sharing of adult adoptees who are healthy. It’s here that you can learn how to speak the heart language of your adopted child. There will be ideas of how you might gain entrance into that opportunity at the end of this post.

In 1999, when my book, TWENTY THINGS ADOPTED KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW was published, an adoptive mom read it and decided to write her reactions on the margins of every page for her daughter residing temporarily in residential care. “I didn’t know this...wish I would have.” Or, “Please forgive me for not knowing what to do here.” Her daughter was totally shut down in depression and suicidal tendencies. The professionals had tried everything they knew to get her to open up, but nothing worked. However, when the daughter received and then read the book and her comments, she opened up and began her healing journey.

4. Remove Guilt About the Strain

In our humanity, we’re quick to blame someone else when we’re hurt. However, the strain that’s produced is no one’s fault. Neither the child’s, nor the parent’s. The strained relationship between mother and child is unintentional, which means that subconscious, unresolved issues of both mother and child can surface, either immediately on adoption day, as it did for Retha and me, or many years later. If you think about unintentionality in depth, aren’t all relationships in life unintentional? We are all terribly broken people, with pain buried deep beneath our consciousness. Because of unintentionality, we must look at one another through a lens of mercy--without judgment or condemnation. Mercy always gives second chances.

For the most part, as much as she was able, Retha gifted me with a non-abandoning heart over the years by living by these goals:

I will do everything possible to connect with my child
I will still love her even when she rejects me
I will love unconditionally, knowing her experience.
I will love her even though I am afraid
I will love her by telling her the truth about her backstory.
I will keep loving her even though I receive no love in return.
I will go to my grave knowing I’ve done my absolute best for her.

That rare gift of a non-abandoning heart can be illustrated by this story about a forest ranger who was surveying the results of a forest fire in California. All the mighty redwoods were but an ash heap. Kicking his way through the ashes, he came upon a mysterious clump, which he kicked to the side. Immediately, tiny eaglets scurried from their dead mama’s body. What a mom she was. She refused to leave her offspring even though fires raged around her. And, what a mom Retha was to that rascal kid of hers.

What Moms Can Do

1. Create an Icebreaker Book for Your Child

Just as the Mom whose daughter was totally shut down crafted an icebreaker book, you can too. Get a copy of TWENTY THINGS ADOPTED KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW, and journal your thoughts to your child in all the margins. This tool will be a great way to open conversations about the strain.

2. Attend an Adoption Conference to Hear Adoptees Share

Important adoption organizations for our community are:

NACAC: North American Council on Adoptable Children @nacac.org
IAN: Indiana Adoptee Network @indianaadopteenetwork
The Honestly Adoption Conference @honestlyadoptionco.com

3. Read Adoptee Memoirs

YOU DON’T LOOK ADOPTED, by Anne Heffron
BONDED AT BIRTH, by Gloria Owen
A MAN AND HIS MOTHER, by Tim Green
TWICE BORN-Memoirs of An Adopted Daughter, by Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D.

4. Listen to Adoptee Podcasts

Adoptees ON @adopteeson.com
Foster the Family | Real Mom Podcast
Honestly Adoption Podcast @honestlyadoptionco.com

5. Write Your Own Version of the Non-Abandoning Heart and the Fire

The setting is that you’re the mama eagle in the forest with her eaglets. Then, the fire in the forest begins. What is the fire for you? How do you show your wings protecting your eaglet from the fire? What is the result of the fire, for you and your eaglet?